I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she looked like the before picture.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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