I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
