id be glad to
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
