JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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