just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
