She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
