By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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