Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
