I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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