I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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