I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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