I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
