At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i drank out of a bidet.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
