Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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