I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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