Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
