I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
