Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
