i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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