When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
