After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
