Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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