Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
