i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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