That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
