I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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