Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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