And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
