no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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