remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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