If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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