I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sext me about skeletons
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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