I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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