That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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