shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
