Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
