so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
