If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
