nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
