Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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