i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
