how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
