When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
