My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
