...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
