I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
