i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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