the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
