I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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