Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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