oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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