is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
