she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
